Programming and

This post was written 6 days ago.
Mon, 23 May 2016
It is 6 o'clock in the morning, last night I fell into bed at 11 which is early for me, I had again slept too little the two nights before. I had also run 14k and this time I felt pretty exhausted after it. It might have to do with the fact that I could not have a rest afterwards, it turned out I had to walk one child to her German class, and then pick up child number 2 from his friend, by bike.

But also, there were all these things churning around in my head again. A few days ago I had been so happy about how things were going with our JavaScript group, and about everything in my life in general. I had also speed-read through a book by Tara Mohr which was about how so many women are 'playing small' (the book accordingly is called Playing big ;) ) and it was great to see many conclusions I had come to recently, seen written down there, but also some thoughts and advice that were new to me.

Then yesterday came the backlash. One thing was the tiredness. Then many tiny incidents - conversations I've had, things I've read, and slow porgression with my own projects - adding up in my mind to the "you're still not very good at this" feeling once again. That is of course always true when you set the bar very high. But it's not only that. It's the fear of being 'innately' incapable of certain - quite basic, and for others seemingly easy - things.

But then again, is that not possibbly true for everybody? All of us have some weak spots, where we are challenged more than other people. I suppose it depends a bit on what those are. Some weaknesses create more difficulties (but perhaps also chances?) than others. Also I wonder, how much of it can you change, even if you've spent your whole life with those 'disabilities'.

For example, one thing I find difficult: Continuity. I keep starting and - often accidentally - abandoning things. Which again, might be true for most people. But it is anyway something I struggle with. It is linked to other things. Being interested in too many things, wanting to do everything. Not being able to say 'No'. Not because I find it awkward to say No to somebody, but because I actually want to do everything. And the result of it is, to not be achieving much. There's an interesting concept of a 'motivated underachiever', meaning people are motivated not to achieve.

I will finish this post now. The title might not make much sense, but I will leave it now. It is something I've been wanting to write about, and this entry is simply going to be the start of it. The thing is, programming and everything that goes with it take up a dispropertionately big part of my life. It will always be important if you do it as a job, but it is not that. It might not even have to be a bad thing, but I sometimes wonder how much sense it makes. Anyway, have to go now. To be continued.. ;)

Tags: mind_stuff /
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Just a small note

This post was written 20 days ago.
Mon, 09 May 2016
I feel a real urge to write though there is zero time now. I am about to go to work and it is already quite late.

It is just of all the habits I could introduce, writing seems to me the most valuable one, alongside running which I hope is an established habit by now. The past week I have let it slip a bit though, and that after I went on a 30k run last Sunday.

I spent a lot of the weekend making some CSS work, it was an interesting process, looking at the Semantic UI framework and also an application called Fractal which helps you to create a collection of components. I didn't use that yet, but it looks good. My endeavours to get a certain interface right, a very small thing, while not using a framework, was quite painful but ultimately worth it I think. I took inspiration from semantic UI, dropped in some grid styles and, at 2pm last night realised that I could write some decent CSS on top of that myself, without framework - even to just prototype.

Otherwise, it was the elections that were on my mind this weekend, and that should really have come first. I cannot write more now, hopefully more tonight. I am anyway happy for Marvin Rees to be the new Mayor of Bristol and wish him much luck.
Tags: Bristol / coding /
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Starting the diary again

This post was written 2 months ago.
Sun, 10 Apr 2016
With this post, I will finally give up any ambition to turn this into a technical blog. - I do write about technical things, but elsewhere; currently mostly in form of discussion posts on github

I will pick up from where I left it, just before the end of 2015, and simply write about what occupies my mind. Mostly in the form of observations, ideas and questions. It won't be anything refined, more a scrapbook of ideas, and well, a diary. Read more…
 
Tags: diary /
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Diary week c/ 22 November 2015

This post was written 6 months ago.
Fri, 27 Nov 2015
It is half past two on a Friday - that is, already Saturday - as I start writing. This will be short although I would have lots to write. But what I'd have to write is often difficult to express too. Mmh, why should I not, for a change, write about coding? Yes! So, two weeks ago we had our JavaScript workshop. I think it went quite well except for one quite annoying technical detail. The projector we were given had a lot of speckles on the lens which made the screen either look like a starry sky or splattered with dirt, depending on the background. It was really quite astounding. What had happened to it? Luckily it did not faze the speakers too much and they made sure that people were able to read by increasing the font-size etc. At least the wifi worked, apart from a brief glitch. The speakers and talks were amazing, and I enjoyed the whole thing even though I was the main organiser and always a bit on egde. Read more…
 
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Diary week c/ 15 November 2015

This post was written 7 months ago.
Mon, 16 Nov 2015
I still have not quite learned to jot down my thoughts in a notebook when they come. I have these whole narratives in my head sometimes, I decide to hang on to them and write them down later, but by the time I get to do that they are gone, of course. This one thing I remember though. I've been thinking to devide my entries into two halves. One dealing with what is going on around me - politics (global, national, local), communities, social life. The other one: things that go on in my head. As I can never become a fully factual (let alone, technical) writer, I might just as well embrace my focus on emotions, psychology, philosophy. The desperate attempt to lead a 'good' life in the double sense: To serve others and bring out the best in them as far as one can do that from the outside. And to live well, and this explicitly means experiencing both pleasurable as well as painful emotions - sometimes very painful ones. The whole range, but with a commitment to oneself, acceptance and compassion. I want to write more about that below. But as I decided to start with external events, I will begin with what has been on the news for days, the attacks in Paris. Read more…
 
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Diary week c/ 02 November 2015

This post was written 7 months ago.
Sat, 07 Nov 2015
A lot going on at the moment. One good thing: After an absolute low-point in the middle of the week, my outlook is a lot more positive now. I have also decided to not be as self-indulgent to mention any potential newly-arrising crises too much anymore, unless I see in them a pattern that might apply to people in general. There's simply no point otherwise. No lamenting! Read more…
 
Tags: weekly_diary /
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Diary week c/ 26 October 2015

This post was written 7 months ago.
Mon, 26 Oct 2015

This is going to be very short this time. Unfortunately, I am also not in the best mood at the moment. I feel failure is imminent. A failure to keep up the good faith in something and thereby make it work.

Read more…
 
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Diary week c/ 12 October 2015

This post was written 8 months ago.
Mon, 12 Oct 2015
Instead of concluding the past week with my entry, I am starting the following. Just like I have a habit of arriving everywhere exactly five minutes late (if I can afford it).

Newish job

So it's Monday, and I have been working at Wiredmedia. Starting a job there a month ago has been an entirely positive thing. It was on the cards, I had really wanted to work in a team again. And it makes a huge difference, even more than I would have thought. It's great because the job is something I can do and I enjoy, and at the moment I am mainly getting faster and more efficient. This does not happen much when I work on my own, as I keep doing so many different things that there is not much of a routine being established ever. Read more…
 
Tags: weekly_diary / books /
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A weekly diary for the rest of the year

This post was written 8 months ago.
Sat, 03 Oct 2015
So, this is a simple challenge. Except, I don't know if it will be simple for me. It could be, or it could be not. The chances are 50/50. Writing is very important to me. But there was a time when it was the scariest thing for me. Writing something that would (perhaps) be read by others. That old fear occasionally resurfaces, and my control over it is limited. Then part of the challenge is maybe to learn to live with that discomfort. In any case, one post per week. That's the deal. Read more…
 
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