Looking for Levelheadedness

This post was written 2 months ago.
Sun, 29 Jan 2017
This will only be the start of a post. Things are madly spinning around in my head once again, and I might as well put things down here in order to get a little clarity.

It will become ever more important to resist falling into certain traps. I can see myself reacting to things when perhaps I shouldn't. Especially, there are more useful things to do than send angry tweets. Or think about the angry 'letter home' I feel like sending (but luckily haven't so far).

I found this interesting from "Die Zeit": Telling obvious lies was a tactic employed by the Soviet Union to create cogintive dissonance and eventually wear down the resistance to accepting things as opinion, as possibility, which were evidently false statements. http://www.zeit.de/politik/ausland/2017-01/alternative-facts-donald-trump-sean-spicer-media
When you look at the massive protests, it seems that humanity and good faith will prevail. But this is only the start. I have a feeling we are in this massive culture and propaganda war, and in the meantime really nasty things are going to happen, many away from our sight.

You can't win. If muslims are denied entry to America, something needs to be done about it, you can't simply ignore it. Maybe that is the tactic to lay so many fires that the opposition is constantly in need of reacting to something.

The thing is, in this country, we do not need to react to things all the time. Not even in America. You need to take breaks. Need to turn off the news for a while. Concentrate on creating things.

And now I need to sleep.. tbc.

Tags: usa / politics /
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Starting to look back on 2016

This post was written 2 months ago.
Tue, 10 Jan 2017
This would now be the time to do a review of the past year and write up a few plans for the new one. I had things in mind to write but probably have forgotten many of them by now.

I think it might have been the year where I have learned most from women, read the most books by women, have been influenced most by women.

I have mentioned the Guilty feminist podcast with Deborah Frances-white and Sofia Hagen before. There is also Sofie's own, Made of Human podcast with an especially poignant two-part episode with Susan Calman. I yet need to fully listen to the second part again, as I was very sleepy last time round and missed some things. Read more…
 
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Mini post about sudden frustrating realisation

This post was written 4 months ago.
Thu, 08 Dec 2016
Today things don't fit. And for once I am not talking about the world at large.

It had not hit me like this for a while, but now it's back. Hello feelings of inquadecy, pointlessness, and (relative) professional uselessness. (I do not doubt my value as a human, as wife and as a mother to my kids - in that I am actually a very fortunate person; I am not depressed at the moment)

So, there are these plans in my head, about CodeHub, and while I find myself forever in a weird 'active state of inactivity' where I am planning and thinking about things without actually taking much real-world action, my plans did get clearer over time. I have action points even, deliverables. But, as my friend araja put it, there is a "No". And I think this is what it's about: For the things I'd really like to achieve, I am not a good enough coder, and I don't have enough influence. Those two things go hand in hand.

This has nothing to do with impostor syndrome. You only have impostor syndrome if, through your job, or the respect shown to you by others, you are in a certain position that you feel you don't deserve to be in. I am exactly where I belong with my job, and I am happy there. I don't feel an impostor. Outside the job, as part of the tech community, I feel I don't count very much though. I do not have authority. I could still organise things, for sure. But it will not be as good as it could be. In short: I feel I am not the right person for it.

There is the possibility I could become what I envisage this magical organiser-mentor-person to be. But at the moment I don't see the way there.

I am also today extremely frustrated with the massive misogyny, both open and tacit, that has become apparent this year.

And that's where I'm at. I give myself till Tuesday, to get moving on my plans for next year. If I have not taken any proper steps by then, I hope I can just leave it. I might even step down as the organiser of the group.

Close but no cigar.

(Something in me riles against me saying all this. Come on rebellious me, find the weak spot in the lines above, and turn it all around!)

[edit 10 min later]
Ha, now I just remembered a thought I had recently (and I've had similar ones before): I am not an accomplished coder, but I am not a beginner either. I mean, not at all! I am in the murky middle, and things by its very nature get messy there. All I have to do is accept that. And this group is exactly about that stage. Still, today I just don't feel entitled to run it.

[Many hours later, at 1.24 am]
"Nobody else cares about my plans, the email I want to write to everybody, my ideas". And I know I am blowing things out of proportion. It is just such a shame, because I am sure it could be good if I only got started. Ha, but isn't that exactly the reason why you don't get started? As long as it is just in your imagination, you can say it would be good? No, no, I have seen it work before! It's just nobody cares. I feel so alone.

I just read this about Tim Ferriss and had tears streaming down my face. https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/12/08/tim-ferriss-tools-of-titans-depression/ The thwarted contribution. Always so powerful. Not fulfilling your potential hurts so fucking much, and can consume all your thoughts. Possibly more than bad things happening to you. You made something not happen. You are a failure. It's not that you failed, you are a failure, that is what your mind is telling you.

A tweet I saw today:
"Women are not going to forget or forgive this year." YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES. And not even the men I love most understand how much it hurts. I don't think they do. Not a single one. That's this year's big lesson for me.

Tags: coding / programming / codehub /
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Diary week c/ 5 Decemeber - Still too much politics on my mind

This post was written 4 months ago.
Mon, 05 Dec 2016
It is crazy, I follow so many Twitter links, and read or skim-read lots of (sometimes long) articles. And then there's also Medium. I am not sure how much sense it makes to do that, but then I do feel it gives me a better idea of things. There is currently a huge bias towards America I have to say. For obvious reasons, but I do think it is getting a bit out of hand. - Today I saw this article and whithout even having much knowlegde, you can just sense that this would be a totally sensible path to follow. Together with faithless electors there's absolutely a way to deny Drumpf the presidency, if only enough people want to go ahead with it. I have a bit of hope now, that if not removed this way, he will be impeached soon after having taken office. Read more…
 
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Diary - election, referendum, protest

This post was written 4 months ago.
Sun, 04 Dec 2016
It is very late now, and there's not much point in starting a blog post now. And still, I just want to start to write, I feel such an urge to do so (not in this moment, but in general), and I think it might be best to just write in quite short bursts. There is so much floating around in my head these days, not all is valuable of course, but I feel it would help me to write things down. I'd also like to collect links and write about books I've read. Case in point, a few days ago I finished "Hope in the dark" by Rebecca Solnit which is just beautiful and probably the most uplifting thing you can read these days.

Not long ago the news broke that the protest against the Dakota Access pipeline was successful, it is to be rerouted. In one article I read, it is a temporary victory, still it must be a huge relief and the protesters are celebrating. It is so good to see resistance can make a difference.

The other good news is that Austria didn't elect the far right candidate for president it was expected to. The other candidate, and now winner of the election, Alexander van der Bellen, is a member of the Greens! What a contrast in the two choices.

Italy had a referendum about constitutional changes and voted "no", the meaning of which I have to say I cannot quite grasp yet. It is anyway clear that the current prime minister, Matteo Renzi, will resign now, as the reforms he had proposed were voted against.

There's a 'break' now from big political decisions like elections, in Europe or America, for two weeks. Then the Electoral college will formally elect the president. If good things unexpectedly became possible today, could not that become possible too, that looming horrible presidency being overturned before it begins?

I would really like to write about other things than politics, too, but I guess today it was just quite prominent. I did think about gender equality quite intensely today, too, and that is a topic that will crop up again and again, too. But it is also very much related to politics. Anyway, more about it another time.

Tags: politics / europe /
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This is not Germany in the 1930s

This post was written 4 months ago.
Sun, 13 Nov 2016
So the warnings were no use. The horror clown has been elected.

People will have to come to terms with him somehow. They are starting to do that, with "the door is open" congratulations, or the "I only do it because I have to" kind.

I almost never watch TV. Today I did for about five minutes, and in those five minutes I saw a female black novelist being questioned by a BBC presenter (also female), "But could it not be that he (Trump) did not mean the things he was saying?" What?? What kind of question is that? Next to the novelist sat a white-haired little man - don't know who he was - claiming the KKK was "marginal" and complaing that "you folks always focus on that (the racism), he said so many other things". That was enough of TV for me.

Trump will not build a wall [edit one day later: not sure about that anymore], and he won't ban entry to the USA to all Muslims. He might not even do anything overtly racist for a while. [edit one day later: I believe now that he will do overtly racist things pretty soon] The truth is, nobody knows what he will do. Some even think he will find the work of being a president too hard, will screw up and be removed. That sounds quite a desirable scenario to me.

It might not be so much about what he will do, but what those he surrounds himself with will do. The door will be open from his side, too. To big business, to tech companies, to big money in general. The door will not be shut on people if they are misogynists or racists.

mug  saying now panic and freak out

There is a chance that jobs will be created and the economy will improve. Who knows, Trump might even have good intentions (although the 'good' here is relative, and his understanding of what that is might actually be the main problem), and after gaining popularity by pandering to the mood of the people, might now want to restyle himself as some kind of Messiah.

If you look at newspaper websites, you can already see this "different story" emerging. Oh, he might not be so bad after all. Ah, it's all different now. The "election campaign" was nasty, brutal etc. not Trump. Give him a chance! We need to work together with him..

You know - I think in a decent society, the simple fact that he said things that were outrageously demeaning to women, people of colour, LGBT people and religions other than Christian, should be enough to forever disqualify him to be in any position of political power. He should never have been elected, now that he has, whoever has any power, should make sure that he will be removed from this position as soon as possible. It is a sellout of a society that they let somebody spout such awful things and still allow him to take the highest office in the most powerful country of the world. It is, in other words, a complete farce. I was recently reminded that in Germany there is a law against Volksverhetzung and I've seen now that since 1986 the UK has a similar law against incitement to racial hatred. That threshold was crossed a long time ago. Is there not something similar in the USA? Read more…
 
Tags: politics / usa / books /
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JavaScript and other plans

This post was written 5 months ago.
Fri, 28 Oct 2016
It is very late now, but I suddenly feel this urge to write down those plans I have (carrying on from previous longwinded post which was all about just getting ready to make plans). I just want to make it very brief!

So basically, for let's say the next year, I have these two objectives:
1, Organise at least 5 events/workshops in the coming year, where the unifying principles are:
- The format: Probably 2.5 hours in the evening as a default, but could also be a whole Saturday 9 - 5 or something like that
- The topic: It should in some way help newcomers, and it could be something that you don't necessarily find in every tutorial; for example how to use the unix commandline, dev tools etc. It could also be 'soft' topics like how to organise yourself when you freelance, or how to keep physically and emotionally well; I actually have a list of topics in my head (have had that for a long time). Need to start asking people!

2, Improve full-stack web dev and in particular JavaScript as well as I can. I will measure this by hours, i.e. I will set myself a target of how many hours I'll learn. But I will measure the outcome by other objectives. There will be certain endpoints: a, Can I contribute to open source projects? b, Do I feel comfortable teaching others (formally or informally) and c, Can I build stuff without this being a massive and time-consuming pain? (Relatedly, do I manage to stick to a project and finish it off before I start a new one) I am aware that these goals don't look measurable, still to me they are hard endpoints, because I know how I feel when I've grasped something, and I know how it feels when you need just the right effort for something.
Read more…
 
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Midlife, books and watching Adam Curtis films

This post was written 5 months ago.
Thu, 20 Oct 2016
Right. I am going to do a kind of review now. Review in the "Getting things done" sense. I have to admit, my efforts to implement GTD in my life have to date not been that successful. My brain always seems to want to take over the collecting and scheduling etc. again. My suspicion is, this is because my tasks and appointments are just about managable without resorting to a system that needs quite some energy to set up and keep going. I am still looking for the sweet spot where I can benefit from some of its aspects while keeping it lowfi enough as to not cost too much enery to follow through with it. I will keep on trying!

But let me start not so much with all my projects, "next actions" or any such thing.
Read more…
 
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In Brexitland and 'Technikland'

This post was written 5 months ago.
Mon, 17 Oct 2016
116 days after the Brexit vote, 23 days before the American presidential election. What a weird space to be in. It feels like having fallen through a rabbit hole and wandering about confusedly, changing sizes all the time, wanting to cry pools of tears, and forever looking for an exit. Isn't it time to wake up already? - Is there going to be a point anytime soon, where we can just say "Remember how crazy that all was?" and everybody you shared this particular part of the space-time continuum with, will know what you mean? I fear it will not be until after a tremendous storm has swept over us, and I don't want to think too hard about the different shapes this storm could take on. Read more…
 
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Paul Mason at Bristol Festival of Ideas

This post was written 10 months ago.
Sat, 11 Jun 2016
When I saw that Paul Mason was coming to Bristol, I knew straight away I wanted to go to the talk. After following his coverage of the Greek Euro crisis last year, I had read 'Postcapitalism' and it had touched a nerve. Here was the story of how we had ended up there, and the reasons why global finance in its current form had become unsustainable. The book is about much more than that, of course. But economic theory and the history of capitalism form a big part of it, and Mason explains them really well. Read more…
 
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