Crunch time diary 2
This post was written 3 years ago.
Wed, 27 May 2015
This is going to be short. Next in my series of sorting things by writing. A thought I've had a lot recently: The more burning question is often not "What have I got? Have I been treated well?", but "What can I give?", "What can I contribute?". That can be surprisingly difficult to answer. And those who can't answer it, those who want to make a difference, but whose attempts to do so turn out inadequate — or at least that's what it seems like to themselves — will most likely suffer from it. I am not quite sure whether to count myself in that category, but, well I guess sometimes I am.
I feel my approaches to things are subpar, especially when it comes to 'executive functioning', where I have to sort things out, organise etc. It can go well for a while, and then something, even quite little, goes a bit wrong, and I become insecure and find it difficult to handle it (or I just plainly don't know how to).
But then, it might not even be true. The one thing that is true is that I am somewhat unusual. And if you look at my role in the technical community (which is always what this reasoning is about), I clearly do not have the skills or experience of some. Same conclusion as last post, I am not that unequivocally part of the industry. I don't have the same access to businesses, to money etc. as other people who run technical meetups. And I feel this is coming more to the fore now than before, as people get to know me better.
But then I find one of the compelling reasons to stay is exactly the fact that I am different. Because that way I might help other people who are untypical too. And there's loads of them! I think some people feel more at ease with me than with other tech people, perhaps because I am a woman, or because I am not as secure or assertive as others.
What I feel trips me up at the moment is my technical expertise. All the inassertiveness and insecurity would be fine if I was a better coder, and generally knew what I was talking about. The thing is I do know a lot about a lot of topics, but I just have not got the experience to always judge things very well. And then it's not only technical expertise, it is soft skills as well. I could be a lot better at those!
I will have to see if I manage to just have enough of the things needed to keep this group going - I have so many ideas for it, too. But there is not much time left. I think I will have to change a few things. Soon.