Note: This post almost definitely falls in the over-sharing category. I did not want to write like that anymore, except today I do. If you don't like over-sharing, don't read it.

 

I am writing this from the bath. I have Jota on my phone and can save this file to Dropbox. The wonderful new technology. The dangerous, heart-wrenching new technology.

I have a wonderful life. The most amazing family. A great support network. That is why I know I will be fine (unless something unforeseen happens). That is why nobody has to check on me. I also don't know if I will eventually publish this post.

My wonderful, happy life is also, incidentally, why I thought I could now start to help other people. That, today, seems very conceited to me. There's one type of people that can both acknowledge their struggling and help others, and that is therapists (and some of them can't). With anybody else, it is questionable whether they should try.

Today's and the last weeks' lesson would be, again, that I should not start to care too much about people outside my family. And again, I won't learn it and I don't want to learn it, and I won't take it to heart.

It is a curious situation that currently a number of people seem to be disappearing from my life. That sucks. In some cases it has definitely nothing to do with me, but in almost all I have a feeling I might have contributed. And that sucks even more.

Five years ago, I had somebody literally turning their back on me. That was very difficult for me. But at least it was just one person. I started to go for a run every morning for about 4 weeks. The same year I ran a half marathon in September. The next year, I ran one again, in May. And in May 2016, I ran a marathon in Liverpool, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. Also, I found it almost impossible to walk down stairs for a few days. But it was totally worth it.

I've felt very wobbly recently, and I've been preoccupied with these thoughts, wondering what I might have done to deserve this, and the unsettling thing is, I can find a number of reasons why the person where this is most acute, might be disappointed in me.

All I can do is go through this. Today there were some bitter tears. But still, I am not in a depression. I hope I'll manage to dodge it again, as I've managed for the past 21 years. A clinical depression, I mean by this. There's a difference between a depression and depressive feelings. Of the latter I've had plenty, though miraculously not so much the past half year.

I was reminded of this difference when I recently wen't on my reddit account. Three years ago I posted on the /r/aspergirls subreddit, and we discussed it there. It is still the only ever subreddit I have posted on.

Maybe it is all synchronicity and means a new step lies ahead. I should most certainly pass on CodeHub. Maybe become a bit like a recluse and just code. Then meet new people, and the whole cycle starts again.